My own voice I am to find
By giving it expression;
Until now I was focused on my ancestors
And what they from me wanted:
To heal my relationship with my father
And with The Father;
To heal my spiritual lineages:
Roman Catholic,
African Shamanic,
Hindu
Jewish
The work of initial,
Intense listening is done
And my time has come
To co-create my own life with Source
With Self
Freed from the burden of generations
Of weeping women
And traumatized, brutalizing men
The trance I was in
Has given me the information I longed for
So that I could be productive
Authentically
Serving my highest purpose
Rather than being a slave
To received norms
I have pulled through
With the help of many gracious beings
In multiple dimensions
Gifts from Source
Given in small daily doses;
Synchronicity
Is what Deepak Chopra calls it.
Something that disturbed me for many years
Was the knowledge
That I had an almost compulsive desire
To be ‘useful’
That Hildegard of Bingen used this term;
(At least that is how it was translated
From German into English)
Consoled me somewhat
Yet not entirely
For an object is useful
Or useless
At which point it is discarded…
As a philosophy
It lends itself to utilitarianism
Whifts of which are in the air
As some consider the elderly as disposable
To COVID 19
If we have to choose between our elders
And the economy
We’ll sacrifice the weak and vulnerable
Saving our polluting chimney stacks
Which we call the economy
Is far more important…
Over the weekend I read,
“Man cannot live without faith. The crucial question for our own generation and the next ones is whether this faith will be an irrational faith in leaders, machines, success, or the rational faith in man based on the experience of our own productive activity.”
Written by Erich Fromm in 1947
In Man for Himself
It corrects my use of language
Provides me with the expression I was in search of:
For you there might not be a difference
Between usefulness
And productivity
For usefulness implies productivity
I remember
When I sought refuge at Ha Phororo
Expressing this deep need within me
To be useful
Yet not knowing what exactly
Would fill that hole
For while my own efforts brought some relief
The anxiety I felt
Continued to pulse a call
For something more meaningful
My protector
My spiritual guide at that time
Suggested this
And then that
Until we both eventually gave up
For whatever it was within me wanting expression
Remained hidden
Stuck somewhere in the depths of my being
For being productive is not a thing
It’s a process
A fire burning within
Seeking expression;
Passion
Trapped in a cage
Of ‘find something to do;
Anything is better than nothing;
Anything is better
Than sitting around
Passive
Waiting for the heavens to open
And to deliver
The tools you think you are missing
Leads to depression’
There is truth in this;
Doing something
Leads one closer to whatever it is
Is calling to you
For productive expression
Yet doing ‘anything’
Misses the mark somehow:
‘Anything’ can take you for an expensive ride
It can take you far away
From your own soul desire
So that you lose your way…
Bewildered
I remained committed to my goal:
Choosing life
In full alignment with Source;
Went for walks
Planted spekboom
Planted herbs
Offered short retreats
Guided youngsters on possible paths
To create a livelihood that aligned with Source…
It is only now that I am reading Fromm
That I have the words to articulate what I was after;
Being useful is what you do to please others
Being productive is the art of being yourself:
Creative
Soul-Faithful
Resilient
Expansive-being
That spaces open up
To Shalom experiences
To Shabbat time
Kept and observed
Regardless of what is happening in the wide world
Does this mean
That if the world of work
To make ends meet
Is what makes me useful
Then is the Sabbath the day for being productive?
Yes
And No
Yes,
If to Source I attend
Celebrate life with family and friends
Am aware that I am to Source connected
By taking time out from the mad, mad world
No,
If I replace being useful
With being busy with many things
As I have been
With Torah study
With Talmud study
With learning, learning, learning…
Even though these things are allowed
Even commended
As soul-food
Being productive is something else,
It’s a third element
It is the art of giving
In such a way as to feed your soul
Giving as Self-replenishment
The artist within released
The artist within using the tools of her trade
The artist within using the tools of her profession
The artist within using the tools of her passion
To make the world of human being
A beautiful place
Filled with abundance
For this too is what it means to be productive:
To have faith in the dignity of you
To have confidence that your angst
Is your soul calling you to be gentle with yourself
Despite what the world suggests is practical
Is sensible
Is required for a good life
As far as I can tell
Fromm is one of those Jewish intellectuals
Who, surviving the holocaust,
Lost the God concept
Replaced it with humane being
By connecting to self
Tapping into your source-treasure
And giving it expression
Through the work you choose to undertake:
A vegan should avoid becoming a butcher
A teacher should avoid becoming a preacher
A soprano should avoid becoming a bassist
My determination to be authentic
To be true to my highest potential
Has come at a high price though
A stubbornness
An arrogance
A determination
That took me to the edge of the precipice
This degree of commitment is not for the faint-hearted;
Looking back
I sometimes wonder if I would do it all over again
From my current perspective
I know I would;
Yet had I known what it would cost me in relationships
I doubt I would have had the guts to do so
Indeed,
I wouldn’t have.
I needed a push.
And pushed I was.
As we all are being pushed now
By a virus
Shaped like a crown
Am I going to be useful?
Or am I going to be productive?
I am going to continue to be productive
To the best of my ability
Nothing more than this
And nothing less…
My own voice I am to find
By giving it expression;
Until now I was focused on my ancestors
And what they from me wanted:
Remembering who I am
That I might heal
That I might align with my source
That I might be productive;
Being productive
An extension of being purposeful
Shifting into an active state
From a passive one
While releasing being used…
(© Archaela 5780 Nissan 19)